Invasive Questions
Saturday, 16 January 2010 09:48
I'm the type who -especially at work- always makes an effort to counter awkwardness with humor to limit the tension in potentially invasive lines of inquiry. Such light-hearted deflection should theoretically tell the person to try a
different tact to move along the conversation. With truly nice people, it works pretty well. With those who are going to be rude anyway, I may as well have given them a written invitation to an argument.
It's been my experience that if a person goes into a conversation looking for something interesting and/or enlightening in meeting a new person, they won't cause any problems. Those that want to treat me like a kid who doesn't know her own mind make that decision the second they learn anything "different" about me. There's nothing I can do about their attitudes, even with a simple joke to downplay my "differences."
When people ask if I'm in school, I turn the subject to a joke about my age. At first meeting, most people assume I'm under 22, so laughing and telling them that "I haven't been in school for a decade" gets them to wonder about/ ask about my age, so I don't have to explain to a stranger that I quit college for mental and physical health reasons. Simple rerouting of the conversation to try to avoid invasive lines of conversation. The nice folks take the bait and don't come back to the topic for details. The rude ones want to follow up... and ask WHY questions when they learn I'm a dropout.
I deal with the "you don't fit the mold" questions when people learn M and I have been together for so long without getting married. I say things like "Oh, we just haven't gotten around to it, yet" just like someone would say they haven't gotten around to trying a new restaurant. I treat it lightly, but my phrasing is enough for people to realize that my priorities in marriage and relationships might be different from theirs. The nicer ones move on to ask politely about the quality of the relationship, seeking to learn if I'm happy with our "probably later" approach to marriage. The rude ones are offended by our choice to not play our relationship "by the book," and usually start giving me a lecture on why we should get hitched and stop "living in sin" or "shacking up."
Kid questions frequently follow the marriage topic...
"So do you guys have any kids?"
"He does, but I don't."
Folks with kids will sometimes detour here to ask about my SD, leaving my uterus completely out of the conversation for the moment. I hate to admit it, but I do use M's daughter to redirect conversations away from my use of my girly parts. Doesn't always work, of course. And rude people will pull "lonely only" arguments about it.
My stock answers the following types of questions are used no matter if I've mentioned SD or not.
"Are you planning on having any of your own?" / "When are you going to start having kids?" / "How many kids do you want?"
*chuckle* "None for me, thanks." (the same way you say it if you're turning down the dessert course)
"Oh no. I'm NOT mommy material." (said smiling and wide-eyed, very playful tone that jokes about your fear of the results if you became a mommy)
"I have enough trouble taking care of my cat." (Great subject-changer. Most people like to talk about pets, even if they don't have them.)
"I'm not exactly 'kid friendly.' (said in a brow-furrowed grumble, but with a half-smile)
Stuff like that. I got for the light-hearted tone in invasive lines of questioning to keep the conversation running smoothly.
With truly nice people, it's more than adequate. They take me as I am and enjoy the touches of humor i interject in the exchange.
With rude people, I may as well have said "Why would I want to live like YOU?" or taunted them with "How dare I not do what's expected of me! I'm such a bad person!" The huffy tone, the narrowed eyes, the responses of "Well, why not!?!?" are the same. Those people are going to be offended no matter what I say, because I live differently from them.
I'm not offended by the questioning itself. It's usually an honest attempt to get to know me. In general, I don't like going into personal details with a new acquaintance until I've gotten comfortable with them, but they have no way of knowing that, so I just go along with it peacefully. The problem comes when they seek too much detail or take personal offense to my answers.
I honestly enjoy offending those types. I want to say to them, "Hey listen, buddy. You asked. If you don't like the answers, that's your problem. I've done my part, being friendly and funny to keep this interrogation from becoming an argument. If you want to get pissed off about my life choices, go right ahead. But I am not going to justify myself to you. I'm playing MY life by MY rules. What place do YOUR rules and YOUR insecurities have in MY life?"
But I don't actually say that, for the same reason I say "I'm not a church-goer" instead of "I'm a non-believer" when people ask me where I go to church. (In the Bible Belt, that's a common getting-to-know-you question. Some of these people are inherently rude and presumptuous. They were raised that way.)
Gotta keep the peace. And unfortunately, the more different you are from the supposed norm, the more the responsibility for "keeping the peace" falls on you. It's not fair and it royally sucks, but that's the way it is. You have to be different without being defensive about it, or trouble is bound to follow you. On the plus side, you get the fun of offending insecure and nosy people without even trying. *shrug* I'll take my entertainment where I can get it.
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